Allow me to pms.. jus a lil bit

okay so im an arguably attractive twenty- four old, with a great body, great friends and a job that many think makes for the bubbly person i am. My bills are paid on time and i have an active social life, in the past few years i've managed to break a fistful of hearts...
I'm considered strong willed and determined in most circles, i sing in the shower,stick flowers in my hair and i actually own a 'happy' place!

I fall apart though.

I remember the first time i did.Years ago i was shacking up with my then boyriend in a dodgy flat in west London. He was unfortunately my life, my food, the water that quinched my thirst, my day, my nightime. (I see you gagging already, i gag too now in retrospect)It goes without mention that our break up left me self detructing. The only positive thing i took away with me was a svelter (more svelt?) me! Food had apparently lost its taste, the birds weren't chirping in my world and i couldn't seem to get out of bed.I couldn't go to any social evets without downing a bottle of wine first to numb the pain. I'd call him later drunk and wail, and ask through slurred sniffs why he'd taken my heart, split it into two and trod on its remains! That was about five years ago. Though that relationship has defined many of the others that have followed.

I fell apart a few weeks ago, though gratefully this time it wasn't over a man, okay maybe a lil bit. The details of my current breakdown are complicated, maybe i should say i just got tired of walking around with flowers in my hair and pretending i was alright. My job, bless its soul, doesn't insipre me as much as it used to in the start. My attempt to go back to university this year failed and i haven't been in a relationship for so long i'm not sure i remember what that should be like. My mother lives alone in a country that should be my home, though each time i visit her i feel guilty because i hate it and always count down the days for my flight back to jhb.
I want to cry, tap into the pain i feel, though i've managed to morph into a cold being who doesn't show emotions. I want to be held in strong loving arms and be accepted for the semi alcoholic i am. A fully fledged insomniac, i yearn to sleep. I'm loneliest in a room filled with people. I'm screaming in my head, though theres a smile plastered on my face. You'd think i'd have it altogether by now, but i don't.