twenty 10

mood: totally uninspired
current weight:: too scared to check, all the booze and mince pies did nothing for me
resolutions: no concrete ones
general will to hassle on: 4/10
manuscript progress: lets not talk about that
2010 so far: waiting for candy coated rain
wat gets me up in the morning: my flatemates kids screaming, jumping up and down on my bed
do i want change: wat do u fink???

acoustic soul virgin nomore!

I had the great pleasure of attending Zim Ngqawana live with Zimology at Wits university last night. For someone who has never really been into acoustic music i was rather reluctant, though i went along with my friends anyway. (Sure i got a Jimmy Dludlu CD somewhere but i've never really listened to it!) What i did n't expect was to experience something so deep i almost can't describe it... though i'll try. With Zim playing the sax and his backers on the drums and base guiter, it was easy to meditate on whats become of life. All its disappointments, then the triumphants. Easy to understand where life is yet to go. It was easy to live in the 'Now.' The most fulfilling part of the brain to live in beacause it doesn't judge decisions and actions taken in the past, its not insecure about a past because a past doesn't exsist.
In a space of an hour, i went from wishing for days gone by to realising that when the so called 'days gone by' where going on... i longed for the days to come. Ironic hey? I figure since one day i'll look back at life as i know it now, might as well go full throtle and make it worth smiling at !!!

Thanks Mr. Ngqwana for making me realise that i hold the key to my future and i will have to allow everyone else to live their lives the way they want to. No one owes anyone anything after all. Once we understand that life is a gift and shouldn't be wasted on the petty things that we fuss over and obsess over, we are well on our way to living it fully. I choose to forget the past, its mistakes, the people who hurt me, the people i hurt along the way. Holding on to the hate is distructive and makes being objective and focused on my goals, difficult. I'll be going for another concert when one comes my way. Meanwhile i still continue to prance around with flowers in my hair and a song in my heart. Trying to see life through a childs eyes, living it with a childs heart. The sadness and loneliness do occassionaly resurface, though i take them in my stride and continue to strart what Rose (my mama) gave me!

totally uninspired

totally uninspired,
pigging out on chocolate,
then cake,
and generally everything in my carboard,
It's a great manuscript, honest,
So great it's overwhelming,
Totally uninspired as the deadline looms ahead,
How the hell will i get to 60 000 words in 2 weeks?

serial 'hanging'

Aren't all single people serial hangers, in a way though? Hardly malicious, it's not like serial hangers sleep around and are generally on the prawl for new beit every other second. The way i see it, serial hanging is the right every singleton reserves in their selection of whom they hang out with. I've been out with a different guy for the past few weekends, and no they weren't dates, just friends hanging out. And is that wrong if it's a different 'male' each weekend? I don't think so , though it could send out the wrong message to people who see me each time with a different guy. Not that i care really, i'm sure i come across as a playa playa (lol) which was never bad for anyone's reputation. Don't people love you more when they think they can't handle you?

So coffee with john on a monday, a movie with jack on tuesday, a drink to celebrate midweek with paul, a puza thursday bash with patrick and full blown clubbing on friday with musa can't be as awful as it sounds right? I do hang out with my galfriends though i always find it easier to hang with my guy friends. Less borrowing of shoes and bitching that way. A bit of serial hanging gone wrong does happen though, sadly. Like when sweet musa suddenly confesses his undying love for me or when i fall in 'like' with patrick. Serial hanging becomes difficult then because now musa gets all mushy, on the other hand i'm thinking of patrick before i go to bed and dreaming of him! LOL. It gets nasty when patrick says he ain't that into me and i take it all out on musa.And the other hangers get official 'girlfriends' who don't get the whole hanging thing at all!

Serial hanging gone bad, neh? LOL, though on the whole, i'm happily serial hanging as opposed to actual dating... things are somewhat simpler that way. No forgetting of anniversary's
or having to explain the days when i just want to be alone and the next person can't get that!

my conversation with God (uncut)

 In the comfort of my bedroom,the clock has just gone 3:26 a.m and i still can't sleep, so i get on my knees instead.

God: Well fancy meeting you here, i'm surprised you remember where to find me!
shukie: I still know you exsit if that's what you're trying to imply, the past year has been hectic.

God: I'm sure it has.
shukie: Don't patronize me, you're the one who allowed everything i've been through to happen. All the disappointments, all those decisions i spent sleepless nights trying to make, that failed anyway. Can't you cut me some slack?

God: (laughs) Is that the same reason we're here now? Your insomnia? Well if you'd trust that i have everything under control with regards to your life then you'd sleep at night wouldn't you? I allow bad things to happen to you because the devil wants to mess with you. Though i'm always certain if you seek me while he's doing his thing then you'll realise how much power i trully have.
shukie: So this is an ego thing, again? Mankind are like pieces on y'als chess board right?

God: Why are you so mad?
shukie: Because you let me down... again! Looking around me i see everyone successfully living their lives, but me. They have the perfect homes, perfect cars, perfect relationships! It really makes my blood boil.

God: Well if you'd talk to everyone you'd realise that they all have one thing or another they aren't happy about. If you'd stop shutting yourself out of  people's lives and switching your phone off for weeks on end, then maybe you'd actually be there when someone needs you! You are quite selfish shukie.
shukie: Who needs me anyway? And i can switch my phone off as i please, thank you very much. That's really up to me. And don't even start about all this social networking crap.

God: So don't come complaining to me about you loosing friends, you self fulfill.
shukie: And i thought you where supposed to make me feel better?

God: ( sighing)You make it extremely difficult. What's this really about then?
shukie: It's about MY life, it's about the people you keep making me meet, it's about stuff with mom, it's about my sisters. There's nothing right about any of it. Some days i just want to end it all

God: well why don't you?
shukie: The thought of burning eternally in hell and you being more mad at me. Listen just tell me about 2009? What was that seriously about?

God: Growth. Despite what you think, you met great people, made friends who will be in your life for ages and you grew stronger.
shukie: I'm tired of being strong

God: I love you, all i want is the best for you. I'm not the enermy.
shukie: I'm sure that's what the devil says too.

God: Each time i've wanted you to acknowledge me and seek me, you've basked in your own self glory. Prancing around like you are responsible for all the GOOD things that have happened this year.
shukie: (smiling) and there have been some good things that have happened this year, i'm sorry i forget you at times.

God: I've heard that one before.
shukie: Please don't give up on me just yet. I NEED YOU. Need you to make sence of this world, when i'm broken, when i'm sad, when i'm MAAD as hell... opps my bad. You get the point though.

God: I did say i'll never leave you or forsake you.
shukie: Okay now that we're talking again. Can i just say what i want for Christmas. All i want for Chrismas

God: The homeless to be fed, orphans to find love and world peace.
shukie: An iphone.

We both burst out laughing, i get off my knees and get some sleep. Tomorrows a another day, right?

my worst things in the whole wide world..

After the curious turn of events in Jozi with the weather last week and Raz who made headlines after he sung the SA national anthem  like a vamp drunk off boxed Mai Tai (lol if there's such) at SA's rugby game with England last week, i felt a little low. Tuesday morning i got to work and snapped at everyone who crossed my path. I'm the only female in the office at my second job and usually this has its perks, though on Tuesday i just wanted the guys to disappear. Watching the rain outside that day and pullin my cardigan closer to my body because it was freezing, i got to thinking about my worst things in the whole wide world. here they are, in no particular order.

1. Heartbreak, and the long journey back to getting a 'you' back that works.

2. Crap weather, which inspired this article.

3.Loosing friends, that annoying realisation that things will never go back to how they where. Missing the laughs shared.

4. Chilled red wine, come on now.

5. The little visit from aunt flo and the likelihood of crying over anything. (eg NOT being on facebook! LOL)

6.Crap food when i'm starving.

7. Death, 9 years on i still miss my dad and dream of him.

8. Discovering well into my number two that there's no toilet paper on the roll!

9. Days when i feel sorry for myself.

10. meeting someone i used to date with a fine thang packed in his arm and looking so fucking happy.

11. Bad days when all my clothes are at the laundry (thus the frumpy shirt fished out from the back of the closet) my hair needs doing, my nails are chipped and i have no lipgloss on. I always meet the one person i haven't seen in ages and they always look FRESH!!

12. Dirty toe nails peeping out of peep toe heels, underarm hair long enough to make snoop jealous and women who smell like builders on the job.

13. Feeling lonely, even when surronded by people.

14. Illusive love and getting caught up. Come on how many frogs do a gal gotta kiss....

15. mariyah carey's rendition of..... "I want to know what love is" on a bad day
16. Standing in queues, especially bank ones

Cool Politics Rocks! (And hers trully discovered the 'new' Newtown at it!)

Move over Africa, I had the pleasure of attending my first cool politics discussion on the Holy  War in Palestine last Wednesday night. After an hour long documentary film, I'll be the first to admit i found myself holding back tears. (Okay i had to because I recently started using fabuloush mascara, its so to die for! the last thing i needed was eyes caked in the stuff!) Suddenly i had a new set of words floating around in my head.

Hamas?

Zionists?

Occupation?

Israeli Activists?

What led to the Jew and Arab conflict way back when it begun in the 1800's?

Why Palestine?

Why the creation of the Gaza strip?

Was this a political battle? Religious? Both?

I did get one thing though, as usual America has acted as the uncle who took his nephew Israel to school, saw him through university, though molested him all the while. It's the usual case of a higher power empowers one people to milk their resources out of them. There's always some sort of uprising when the people who are getting the raw side of the deal suddenly realise it. Thousands of dead civilians later, some kind of peace accord is signed (usually not the first of its kind) spear headed of course by the United Nations. These attempts do little or nothing to stop human right injustices. Meanwhile living in Palestine today seems hellish. A huge prison of sorts with checkpoints on every other corner, no access to proper medical care, families living in absolute filth and poverty. Okay so whats new right? The greater part of Africa lives that way. Wrong. The greater part of Africa do not live under military rule. Added to all of the above, the Palestinians have to  live with the constant presence of Israeli soldiers carrying rifles and are at liberty to harass at will. Watching young soldiers so determined on their mission makes me think of the youth malitia in Zimbabwe. So determined in the wrong mission.

Okay before i get ahead of myself, to simply generalize all the problems in Palestine on the Israeli's isn't being totally fair. This story to me sounds like it has at least three sides to it. It's hardly a case of Jews occupying the majority and fertile land in Palestine and oppressing at will. The dynamics are thoroughly interwoven in religion and the result of what happens when that thin line between love and hate reveals itself. I'll definately be reading more on Palestine, i figure there's nothing worse than being ignorant on issues that affect people who laugh, eat, cry and want to be happy just as i do. Wednesday night was nothing short of insightful.

SO... I discovered a new space i can chill at on a Wednesday night where young multi cultural people come together and discuss political issues. Great music, add a boudouir type setting decked with cushions and bean bags. A place to just kick back and talk. Next Wednesday (25th Nov 09) we are discussing 'A United Africa?' Sounds great i've already started reading on the subject and I'm loving it. Do join us if u're in Jozi. The venue is at a jazz club called House of Ntsako, 101 High Street, Brixton (five minutes drive away from the Newton Precinct ) at 18.30. Lets be the empowered young people with a hunger to learn and change the world, in the little way we can. Plus (and this is the best part I think) because there's a bar and dj, we all get to party, albeit on a Wednesday night, afterward. WHOOP! WHOOP! (for more info go to coolpolitics.org.za)